How can you say you no me – Poem about peoples judgements

You say you no me,

So how can you not see

You say you no me

But you critic so harshly

You say you no me

Then how can you judge so easily

You say you no me

Then why whisper lies about me

You say you no me

But you only find negativity within me

You say you no me

But your always disappointed in me

Really you think you no me

Then why cant you see the wonders in me

You say you no me

But negativity blinds you from seeing me

You think you no me

But your speech horrifies me

You say you no me

But you don’t stop look listen and see

you really don’t no me

So don’t say you no me

When you’ve not seen me for me

Because i wont change just for thee

Agree or disagree it dose not matter to me.


SAD – Suppressed Anxiety & Depression

A poem about how suppressing my SAD feelings effect me.

When a feeling is deep within your soul,

A sadness so prolific it begins to rot a hole,

Loneliness lingers like a dark cloud,

The words remain unspoken from you aloud,

The fear of judgement surrounds your being,

The voices of paranoia commanding and decreeing,

Unable to flee your muddled minds manipulation,

You have no choice but to bow to the voices damnation,

Dragged deeper into a mental vortex of darkness,

Shadows lurk awaiting to take advantage of your inwardness,

Procrastinating becomes your only capability,

Self worth, depression, anxiety ruin your minds stability,

Before you no it your trapped in a cycle off gloom,

It slowly closes in creating an all consuming tomb,

Now your trapped in your own minds labyrinth,

How do you escape its emotional counterfeits.

Keep hope in your heart – A poem about hope.

A poem on how I make it through those tough days and how i keep the faith in my medical consultants even after all this time, please feel free to share this and spread the hope.

To have hope in your heart is to believe,

To have faith within yourself and disbelieve,

You wont more from your life than is given,

To strive for success to be driven,

Don’t be hopeless to give up on the fight,

To extinguish that blazing bright light,

It’s so easy to just hide away and give up,

To be stagnant in life or cover it up,

It’s not always the easiest route or way,

Having hope in your heart makes headway,

Dreaming of hope is simply not enough,

You have to put in the work and be tough,

Pushing forward will help you achieve,

There will be barriers, but you must believe,

Have faith in your own capabilities,

And ignore the negativities, impossibilities,

Believe in the availabilities and probabilities,

Never give up on hope, to fulfil your dreams,

No matter what it takes do it by any means.

Keep hope within your heart so dreams become real,

And life may just seem a bit more ideal.

Anxiety to me

A poem about how anxiety affects me,

Isolation, confined, suffocating,

Life’s unbearable silence constricting,

You scream but not a sound escapes,

The struggle is real but no one relates,

Not progressing, but not backtracking,

The stillness violating, movement lacking,

Life’s burdens weigh heavy on ones heart,

So much so you beg for yours to depart,

The sunshine dances across the sky,

It’s something that always passes me by,

Then the moon rises ablaze in the dark,

It’s beauty soon ended by the singing lark,

The brakes of dawn marks a new day,

You pray its less grey than yesterday,

Disappointment lingers in the the air as a foul stench,

I thirst for happiness that I’m unable to quench,

Depression, anxiety, heart ache its all pain,

Dark thoughts lurk inside my insane brain,

Only cold blood pumps through each vein,

Is it to late, am i dead inside, from such pain.

Poetry is good for the soul.

London Baby

So here we are at University college London, the headquarters of pain management and Dr Cregg was who i would see and put all my hope in once again for the umpteen time again. We went through the usual questions and background of how i had ended up in his clinic and had been so ill for 14 years. There were 4 doctors in the room in total training and Dr Cregg was the top of his department obviously well qualified to deal with my case, i liked that he was totally upfront with me, honest, compassionate to my cause but also realistic so what did he say, he basically said there is no cure i was built like this and i will no doubt endure these complaints until the day i die. However he also said that the numerous opiate based medication is not at all helping to comfort me through the pain and was decreasing my life expectancy by a good ten years, so something else has to be done, i went through the usual physical examination with several screaming moments, internal and external where he said that the pelvic floor and internal muscles of the Virgin are extremely tight, which I’m guessing he thinks is the root cause of the problem, as well as the nervous system as there is a large nerve that runs through this area, which has become incredibly sensitive and in turn has resulted in the nervous system becoming over sensitive in turn. So whats the plan at the moment, i have to return to London for an in-depth MRI scan where he will study my bone, muscle and nerve structures, try to detect if there are any abnormalities, after which point he plans to inject the area in several places to loosen the muscles in the area, which will hopefully allow the physiotherapist to get to work and make some permanent improvements. We are 14 years on and i have placed my hope in the arms of many a doctor and have been disappointed so i am trying my best to reserve my excitement right now, especially as the treatment injections are only trials, which in itself holds room for disappointment, i then posed the issue of the hormonal issues i believe attached to this illness, Dr Cregg made the interesting point that opiet based medication can not only mess your body up but can also mess your hormones up which could explain the problems i have been having in that area, although personally i still hold wrongly or rightly that there is a hormone element to this, so taking that into consideration i asked the question what happens if it doesn’t work, because i am prepared to go all in and have a full hysterectomy, i was informed that’s all well and good but we tend to find women in your circumstance who have a hysterectomy may find temporary relief if they have an at all but it will come back there is no escaping this it still stands as an incurable curse, but folks there is light at the end of the tunnel Dr Cregg and his team are committed to reduce my pain level by 50%. that is a whopping reduction guys this could change my whole life a 50% reduction i could go back to work i could take up my old hobbies I COULD LIVE AGAIN AND NOT JUST EXSIST. Stay tuned to find out how the next chapter of my life will read.

My mind hurts to – chronic pain the mental implications

Nothing But Sorrow

There is no longer any sign of hope,

The truth of reality is to much to bare,

My mangled mind can no longer cope,

As I’m filled with nothing but despair,

I long for the fortune of a normal life,

To bare a babe such is a woman’s right,

longing is my womb, but never to hold a life,

To broken to hold the purist of life,

The loneliness of my solo fight,

My life alone no love from my child,

A life to be filled with only pain in sight,

I often wonder just how my child would of smiled,

I questioned myself why bother to carry on,

What bind to i have to this life i say,

All of us lie maybe i could be sly just one,

But my soul will be the one to pay,

Could or would the lord end my anguish,

I guess he’s wrath would mark me condemned,

Maybe i could fight but would he simply have me vanquished

Regardless i am damned to reach a bitter end.

Damned to burn in the fire of eternity,

Or would he show pity because of the life he’s bestowed on me,

These daily struggles and thoughts i must bottle to save my sanity

Maybe the only way i will see is it i chance it and see.

It’s not all doom and gloom

so you may or may not be aware of the new research that has been conducted in America

So is there hope for us yet?

I personally contacted the researcher at the 7 addresses I found beginning for the opportunity of flying over and being a Guinea pig so far I’ve had no response but i can only hope he will make contact with me.

Failing that on the 10th of January i have a very very important meeting with top consultants in London to discuss new treatment options, luckily i have the most amazing and supportive doctor who has spent the past nearly 14 years supporting me and fighting my corner with consultant appointments to try and get me some sort of normality in my life, i have no idea what the 10th holds but these is a new department built for women and males that suffer from chronic pelvic pain which is now part of my diagnosis due to excessive amounts of surgery, i am well equipped to video what i can and note what ever i am not allowed to video so i hope that i can bring some new treatment ideas or at least hope to those of us that are still suffering from this horrific condition.

Don’t suffer in silence

So my blog has remained rather quiet and i have not exactly pushed it to be read or followed, and this has mainly been to my distinct lack off motivation and my bad days being on the increase at the moment. Now rightly or wrongly i find myself being incredibly embrassed by my condition, and my now prescription drug addiction looking at it as a weakness, beating myself up about it. Thinking i am being judged as nothing more than a useless benefit bum allowing my illness to define me, and being completely consumed and beat into a shell of my former self. Allowing paranoia to take over my mind set in the words of Chester Bennington from linken park

” I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

A facebook video caught my eye and it is based on how as a species we bitch and moan about having the worst day at the office, our day ruined by the traffic, our boss beat us down, we didn’t reach targets the kids painted the bathroom with shaving foam, well you get the idea he then goes on to name some incredible people and the situations they have had to overcome, such as Aron Ralston who amputated his own arm after he became wedged in a boulder in blue john canyon, and Claire Champlain was smashed in the face with a five pond watermelon being propelled by a slingshot, Matthew Brobst was hit by a javelin, the speaker Rudy Francisco goes on to say that when questioned about the experiences the above endured they all smiled and shrugged and simply said things could have been worse. This video stayed with me and i processed the young mans words over and over for a few days, and he is right things could be worse for anyone of us all, but its not always so easy to think like this especially when you have sunk into that big black hole inside your mind. I recently started dating again and threw myself into the online world of dating sites, not being able to get out much, having little to no confidence and feeling way to old for the clubbing scene these days it seemed like the perfect solution, but it was certainly a big step for me to take, i started chitter chattering to a few people and discovered there seems to be an unwritten list of specific questions asked, do you have children? Do you live alone? What kind of guy are you looking for? What are you looking for on here? And the one that always got me, so what do you do for work? And each time the embarrassment of my situation took over and i lied again and again of course i work and i do this, i work here, you get the picture, time went by and i became rather close with one specific guy whome i had told repeatedly i worked, that i was at work, and it came to the point where it was time to phese up to my deception because i was trying to find Mr right to begin a relationship hopefully, maybe even something special and i began that process on a total fib, how completely contradictory of what the foundations of a relationship should be built. Then the realisation struck me, my illness was not now only taking over who i am, but also what i believe to be morally correct. Mr Francisco dropped into my mind, it could be worse my situation that is, ok i cant work but I’m not dead, i have my senses, my limbs and my brain, I wasn’t going to die in a year like Fatima Ali who took part in the iconic TV program Master chef and won the hearts of her fans. I then realised that the reason i first ever started this blog was to try and help people in my situation to discuss the good, bad and ugly about the disease, and the struggles in which so many of us share, it struck me that people want to no the embrassement i feel the despair the pain the negativity and slim positivity’s, just maybe it will touch one person out there it will stop one overdose, it will make one person realise and feel they are not alone. So i then came to the decision to blog and blog about every aspect that this path of life that i have been given to follow. Suffering in silence is incredibly lonely and destructive so i hope that after reading this you will realise that you are not alone. Over time i have watched so many motivational and moving stories about phenomenal people, i have no idea if anyone will ever read this, if it will ever move anyone as Mr Francisco did me, but i have the overwhelming urge to try and help anyone i can and that i need to do more, i guess this is my pebble in the ocean, and i am willing to try.

Pain four letters is all it takes – Poetry my way to express

I have recently, restarted my love of creative writing, a way to express my feelings, emotions and pain. I have had some fantastic feedback and have decided (for the first time ever) to share some of my pieces I feel a lot of people will potentially be able to relate to.

This is a piece I have been working on during my last couple of flare-ups.

Pain, four letters is all it takes.

Such a small word that has such meaning,

It can drive into the most innocent teething,

As we grow old and our bodies break down,

Hidden in the depths of our minds a constant pound,

It engulfs our spirits, souls and our very sanity,

It plays tricks on you, questioning what’s reality,

It burns, stings, stabs, even snatching at your breath,

No one is safe from the clutches of death,

It can mean such sorrow, but also immense joy,

The arrival of disease or the birth of a boy,

It’s not racist, ageist, sexist no one is safe,

Regardless of your religion or even your faith,

It can linger for a lifetime or pass in a sec,

We still suffer despite today’s 21st-century tech,

It can come in so many different forms,

Crashing into your life with the force of a storm,

Starting small then spreading like wildfire,

Its path of destruction it leaves disaster after disaster,

Pain four letters are all it takes,

It sneaks into your life with all its nasty traits,

It’s not always visible to the naked eye,

Try not to judge its not necessarily a lie,

The tears come, they stream as we all cry,

Pain there’s no escape until we R.I.P and die.

What can I say

So not much has changed, the cycle is still playing on and I’m just back at the beginning for it all to start playing out again. I’m back on the oramorph and it’s starting to get closer to a habit again, back on a constant high dose of pain killers, the pain is back and my mental state has been completely battered yet again, my motivational levels are none exsistant. My attitude has reverted back to whats the point. I feel completely isolated now, the people around me although they care its become mundane, I feel I can’t talk to them about it because it’s become boring, going over and over again the same things just a different day. The three month probation of this treatment is coming to an end and its not working, so the next step is to fight for a hysterectomy, although this may not work, there is a chance that it just might, and I may actually be able to live some form of life, and that is what I want more than anything, to bring purpose back into my life, to be able to live it to the full and live out my hopes and dreams, that is what I pray for everyday.